Talking to Beethoven

Back to posting on this blog after ignoring it for 2 years. I need to let my emotions out but I can't do that on the usual social media platforms without looking like someone in desperate need of virtual concerns, likes and the associated shenanigans.

I don't believe I am alone. There are times when I need to express the anguish in me, whether in words or otherwise, to release the pent up pressure within me. I don't need any sympathy or understanding, just an avenue to voice out my unhappiness to someone, anyone. I guess its abit like voyeurism; the ones getting on with it don't mind being watched. But just don't interrupt their bodily bonding.

Likewise, I just want to make my unhappiness known, as if doing so makes the problem go away, or at least feel less problematic. But I don't care for the judgment of others. Because everyone has their own problems, and its always easy to comment as an outsider.

"I will do X and the problem is solved. Is he stupid or what?"

Well, he has a restriction Y which is preventing him from doing X to solve the problem.

"Then do Z to solve Y and  X will be settled accordingly!"

His present condition does not allow him to do Z.

"Then that is his problem."

Yeah, it is his problem. It doesn't take a genius to point that out. A loud-mouthed scatterbrain individual can do that.

So, what is my unhappiness? There are many. I don't even know where to begin.

Fuck you xinfinity

Sorry but I will not be allowing you to stay with me when I can afford my house in the future. No worries. I will still give you a living allowance every month.

Other than that, I wish to have nothing more to do with you.

Blame it on yourself for being such an irritating bitch. My dad can tolerate you; consider yourself lucky for that.

I was washing my face when I suddenly wondered whether if there is a Blogger app for my phone. So I did a search on the Play store and here I am, blogging in a comfortable position on my bed.

Things have been pretty rough for me recently. I am still in the midst of recovery from not sleeping (well not entirely, I did took 10 to 15 minutes of power naps but they can't replace a proper night's sleep can they?) for 2 straight nights from last Monday till yesterday, rushing to complete my FYP report. Speaking about this report of mine... makes me feel guilty. Guilty as fuck.

You see, I actually had a good one and a half months to work on the report. But i chose to procrastinate and only started on it 7 days before the deadline, which was, of course, inadequate. I missed the deadline, asked my professor for an extension, missed the second deadline again, asked for another extension and fortunately, managed to submit it on time.

It was somewhat embarassing to have to ask for 2 extensions from my professor, considering I had a huge headstart to work on the report. Furthermore, all of my peers submitted their reports on the original deadline. No prizes for guessing my professor's impression of me.

But am I really lazy? I would like to think not. I am just not cut out to be a resesrcher I guess. The journals I have to read and understand are simply too... disgusting. But then again, if I had started on the report one and a hf months ago, I would have more time to analyze them properly and understand their content better. So am I just finding excuses for my laziness?

Well, maybe its because the research topic doesn't appeal to me. Hence, I kept putting it off. But how often can one choose to do things he likes? Not very. Do one simply give up on something just because it is not in line with his interests? I don't think so. It would be impossible to survive in today's world that way. Besides, I have always had to do things which I never really liked (working, for one) and still completed them anyway. So why couldn't I do the same for my FYP?

I don't know.

I don't see the value of working so hard anymore. Nobody appreciates it anyway. Nobody cares. In fact, when I look back at the last 24 years of my life, I haven't had any major accomplishments. I am not talking about inviting a cure for cancer kind of accomplishments. Just normal academic accomplishments. I have always wanted to excel in sports, canoeing to be.exact, but I find myself lacking the discipline and commitment to train hard. I have always wanted to improve my horrendous GPA, but all I do is plan and never execute. There are so many things I want to do, but I can never put effort into doing them. Which then seems pretty ironic for me to be ranting here. After all, I didn't put in the effort.

Still, I would like to believe that I am perfectly capable of putting in effort to achieve my goals. But beliefs are only as useful as a broken cup. At this point in my life, after reviewing what I have done, as well as what I have not, I am beginning to doubt my ability to achieve my ambitions. Am I just a big dreamer with mediocre capabilities?

Maybe I should just be content with a simple life.

Doing my report (which is due later on) at this hour and listening to this song invokes the sensation of abject solitariness in me.



"We enter this world alone. And we leave this world alone."
                                                                          - Batavius Eisengerd

this song brings back memories from the good old times. a thing of the past.

Forever can never be long enough for me
To feel like I've had long enough with you




So much love in this song. I like it. Waiting for the person to sing this to.

Holla!

Looking back at my previous posts, I realized I have immersed myself in too much negativity. And as with everything in life, having too much of something can be bad for your health. Moderation is key!

Perhaps its time for some attitude adjustment and change in perspective. Speaking of which, I have been feeling better of late; less grumpiness like the old man that I am will become eventually, and more bounciness like the 24 year old that I was am.

Maybe it is because I will be graduating soon, in less than half a year's time. I can finally start working and earn some big money to buy all the things that I want to buy. For starters, I am gonna get the new Nintendo 3DS XL to play the new Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney game. And then there is the PS3 which I have been wanting to buy for like forever. And then this new mSATA SSD for my Alien. And that new Lumia 920 phone.

Talk about retail therapy. Ho ho ho.

But first, two more semesters to go. And a couple more papers to take, with 4 coming up in the next two weeks actually. Oh yes, and that final year project... meh.

A few of my friends have started looking for jobs. I wonder if I should start job hunting now too. But I prefer to just lie back and take things slowly (I am just lazy, really). What job should I apply for? What do I want to be?

I want to be... everything at once.



Why do I find myself dancing to the tune?