I was washing my face when I suddenly wondered whether if there is a Blogger app for my phone. So I did a search on the Play store and here I am, blogging in a comfortable position on my bed.
Things have been pretty rough for me recently. I am still in the midst of recovery from not sleeping (well not entirely, I did took 10 to 15 minutes of power naps but they can't replace a proper night's sleep can they?) for 2 straight nights from last Monday till yesterday, rushing to complete my FYP report. Speaking about this report of mine... makes me feel guilty. Guilty as fuck.
You see, I actually had a good one and a half months to work on the report. But i chose to procrastinate and only started on it 7 days before the deadline, which was, of course, inadequate. I missed the deadline, asked my professor for an extension, missed the second deadline again, asked for another extension and fortunately, managed to submit it on time.
It was somewhat embarassing to have to ask for 2 extensions from my professor, considering I had a huge headstart to work on the report. Furthermore, all of my peers submitted their reports on the original deadline. No prizes for guessing my professor's impression of me.
But am I really lazy? I would like to think not. I am just not cut out to be a resesrcher I guess. The journals I have to read and understand are simply too... disgusting. But then again, if I had started on the report one and a hf months ago, I would have more time to analyze them properly and understand their content better. So am I just finding excuses for my laziness?
Well, maybe its because the research topic doesn't appeal to me. Hence, I kept putting it off. But how often can one choose to do things he likes? Not very. Do one simply give up on something just because it is not in line with his interests? I don't think so. It would be impossible to survive in today's world that way. Besides, I have always had to do things which I never really liked (working, for one) and still completed them anyway. So why couldn't I do the same for my FYP?
I don't know.
I don't see the value of working so hard anymore. Nobody appreciates it anyway. Nobody cares. In fact, when I look back at the last 24 years of my life, I haven't had any major accomplishments. I am not talking about inviting a cure for cancer kind of accomplishments. Just normal academic accomplishments. I have always wanted to excel in sports, canoeing to be.exact, but I find myself lacking the discipline and commitment to train hard. I have always wanted to improve my horrendous GPA, but all I do is plan and never execute. There are so many things I want to do, but I can never put effort into doing them. Which then seems pretty ironic for me to be ranting here. After all, I didn't put in the effort.
Still, I would like to believe that I am perfectly capable of putting in effort to achieve my goals. But beliefs are only as useful as a broken cup. At this point in my life, after reviewing what I have done, as well as what I have not, I am beginning to doubt my ability to achieve my ambitions. Am I just a big dreamer with mediocre capabilities?
Maybe I should just be content with a simple life.
